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Acknowledgement |
Thanks to those who
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Would You Marry Again? |
| A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when
the wife looks over at him and asks the following question... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?” HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?” HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: -- Long silence -- HUSBAND: "Damn." |
The neighbor has a copy! |
| A little boy asks his dad, "What's between mom's
legs?" The father answers, "Paradise, my son." The kid asks again, "What's between your legs?" The father replies, "The key to paradise." The son says, "A piece of advice for you dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy!" |
"MISSING YOU". |
| Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a
Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing? Husband: "MISSING YOU"... |
Women are like phones |
| They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected....... |
Wrong finger |
| At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man. |
The A B C....... I, J, K. |
| After being married for thirty years a wife asked her
husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.... I, J, K." She asks...... "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey. She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely..... What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" His eye is still swollen....but it will get better......... |
Difference Between Complete & Finish... |
| People say there is no difference between COMPLETE &
FINISH. But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED! |
Romantic...SMS |
| She sends the following messages: .... My love if you're sleeping, send me your dreams .... If you're smiling, send me your smile .... If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you He Replied: I'm in the toilet. What do I send? |
If it's any good, |
| An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the
following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you
show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check." In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine." |
Oh I'm not a dentist. |
| A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his
engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly
realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him
he said, "I forgot my teeth!" The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair... try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "Oh I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.." |
My Previous Job |
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he did not realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's all my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab - - for the last 25 years I have been driving a hearse." |
A Speedy Cure for Hiccups |
A man with a worried look on his face ran into a clinic and asked the doctor if he know a way to stop the hiccups. Without any warning, the doctor slapped him in the face. Amazed and angry, the young man demanded the doctor explain his unusual behavior. "Well," said the doctor, "you don't have the hiccups now, do you?" "No," answered the young man, but my wife out in the car still does!" |
Your Penis Wonderful. |
A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss. She sent him a "Thank You note on email". "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and firm strokes. Initially its tip was to be licked to bring to working order & it is equally good on both sides. I love its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired for it and you fulfilled my wish. At last it is mine and mine forever. Thanks a lot, Sir !" Importance of Spacing: Boss' wife read the mail and filed a divorce in court. |
LESSONS IN LOGIC |
1. If your father is a poor man, it is your fate, but if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. 2. I was born intelligent; education ruined me. 3. Practice is perfect, but nobody is perfect. So why practice? 4. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 5. Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak. 6. How come "abbreviated" is such a long word? 7. Money is not everything. There is Master and Visa. 8. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behing every unsuccessful man, there are two. 9. Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. 10. The wise never marry and when they marry, they become otherwise. 11. Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. 12. Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today. |
Talking to Whom? |
A woman was sipping a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband. "I love you so much," she said, "I don't know how I could ever live without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" her husband asked. "It's me, "she said, "talking to the wine." |
A Minister's Talk |
A minister gave a talk at the local club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off." |
I've got bad news and worse news |
Bob gets a call from his doctor with the results of his blood test. "I've got bad news and worse news," says the doc. "The bad news is that you've only got 24 hours to die." "Oh no!" says Bob. "That's terrible, how can it get any worse than that?" "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday." |
My wife did |
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him, and killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob the bank?" The man replied, 'No sir, but my wife did." |
Make up your mind! |
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when this gorgeous woman next to him started to breast- feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or - - - I'll have to give it to this nice man here." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man said, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago." |
Trying to bring her back. |
A highway patrol officer noticed a man taking off as soon as he saw him. The patrol officer gave chase for several miles before the man pulled over. The man replied, "Last week my wife ran off with a highway patrol- man and I thought you were him trying to bring her back." |
FWD: They Walk Among Us |
| Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." "For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us !==================== One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."Where???" They Walk among us !==================== I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . They Walk Among Us !==================== My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". They Walk Among Us !==================== My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among Us !====================I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... They Walk Among US !==================== I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"... They Walk Among Us !==================== While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut it into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk Among Us, too. ! |
Mother in Law |
Sandar and Tun Tun were having dinner with a couple they had lost touch with when they moved to Yangon many years ago. Over the meal, the couples took turns catching up. "And soon after we were married," Tun Tun began, "we were blessed with a marvelous, chubby creature with cute bow legs and no teeth." "Oh, you had a baby!" said the other husband. "Nope," Tun Tun replied. "Sandar's mother came to live with us." |
Dear, do you remember how you used to__ |
A couple who had been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He moved over and sat close to her. "Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight. "And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me kiss me and nibble on my ear?" With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth." |
"Did you lose EVERYTHING?" |
Gambling Addict Wife A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30 p.m. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom -- only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Damn it woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?" |
Wait a minute! |
Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the 'miracle' products, she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25," "Oh you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!" |
Cause and Effect |
Why do 99 percent of girls have a bigger left breast? Because 99 percent of guys are right-handed. |
Politicians tell the truth |
The only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other liars. |
Some people have all the luck |
I was shopping with my wife at a local supermarket and suddenly couldn't find her. "I've lost my wife," I muttered slightly louder than was necessary. Then I heard a strange man's voice from the next aisle, "Some people have all the luck." |
No Speaking to Wife |
Philip and Jill had been married for many years, but now were in divorce court. The judge asked Philip, 'Is it true that the last three years of your marriage you did not speak to Jill?" Philip replies, "Yes, your Honor, that is correct." "And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires. Philip replies, "Your Honor, my mother always told me not to interrupt when a woman is speaking." |
PROBLEM FATHER |
"You look troubled," I told my friend,
"what's your problem?" |
Teaching Choice |
| Two big-shot lawyers hired a secretary from a small town
in the hills. She was attractive but obviously knew nothing about city life.
"She's so young and pretty she may be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys," one attorney said to the other. "Why don't we teach her what is right and what's wrong?" "Great idea," said the partner. "You teach her what's right." |
HEAVEN versus HELL |
| HEAVEN IS WHERE - - - The police are British; The chefs are
Italian; The mechanics are German; The lovers are French and It's all organized
by the Swiss. HELL IS WHERE - - - The police are German; the chefs are British; The mechanics are French; The lovers are Swiss and It's all organized by the Italian. |
God & Devil |
| God said, "I cannot be everywhere, so I created
Mother." Devil replied, "Even I cannot be anywhere, so I created Mother-in-law." |
Q: Why do most Indian women request God for the same husband in the next life? |
| A: Because efforts taken to train him in this life should not go wasted! |
Grandpa & Grandma
|
| Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight
. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills . The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive . " "How much?" asked Grandpa . "$10 a pill," Answered the son . "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow ". Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow . He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110 . "I know," said Grandpa . "The hundred is from Grandma!" |
I made my husband a millionaire |
| A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my
husband a millionaire." And What was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire." |
Always let your boss have the first say. |
| A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are
walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' |
Remember Psalm 129 |
| A priest offered a Nun a lift... She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..... The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' |
NEVER MESS WITH WOMEN |
| A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India
... Dear Sunita Darling, I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust. Your loving husband, JITA SINGH His wife replied... TINKU KE PAPPA , Thanks for the 100 kisses, Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...: 1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk. 2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses. 3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent. 4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.. 5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses. Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance... Shall I plan the same for the next month? Your Sweet Heart, Kichi NEVER MESS WITH WOMEN |
Thinking about Marriage |
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men. |
Prayed for Forgiveness. |
When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness. |
The Faith Healer |
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible." "I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months." "You must tell me what you did." "I went to a faith healer." "But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit." The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dear." |
Marriage wish |
| A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!.. the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember.....fairies are female. SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH ........ AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT |
Lying Lawyer |
How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie? His lips start moving. |
